Alcoholism and Beyond

So, I was affected by someone else's drinking.  I'm not sure, but I think that's the first time I've come out and said it like that.  My husband drank alcoholically for 12 years of our 44 years together; and the drinking came 24 years after we began our relationship together.  His drinking blind sighted me.  It creeped up on me.  At first, all I could tell is that I didn't like the way he behaved when he drank, then I didn't like the way I behaved when he drank.  Then, I didn't like the way I behaved whether he was drinking or not.  At the end of his drinking and at the beginning of his sobriety, I'd criticize my husband at the drop of a hat; almost like it was my job to do so.  I began to hate the person I was and I blamed it all on alcohol, except I didn't drink.

I believe that alcoholism is a disease.  If you were to research, you'd find out that many public health organizations and experts believe that alcoholism is a disease.  That's not why I believe it's a disease.  I believe it's a disease because I've seen the devastation alcoholism can bring all the while the alcoholic can seem to do nothing to stop the destruction of his own life.  Alcoholism also has a familiar pattern to it as well.  Why is it that you see, so often, whole families consumed by alcoholism?  I think it is because it's a disease.  I think that some have the genetics to become a potential alcoholic while others will never become an alcoholic.  I am one that will never be an alcoholic, although I have tried.  I tried drinking myself into oblivion but was never able to reach that point in my drinking that I blacked out or altered my personality.  My obsession wasn't the alcohol it was the alcoholic.

I've given you a rough outline of the alcoholic but I'm really here to talk about me.  When the alcoholic in my life drank (or didn't drink), my personality slowly began to change.  I stopped being the fun-loving, impulsive person I was to a person who constantly was on guard "in case" the alcoholic drank.  I'd badger him about the amount he drank, what he drank, what he said, and how he behaved.  I'd badger him about the way he looked, the way he combed his hair, and what he wore.  The alcoholic in my life couldn't wake up in the morning without me badgering him about something.  I was always "on alert" so I could hide our family disease of alcohol.  I made excuses for him when he couldn't attend an event.  "He's not feeling well tonight and he couldn't come," when the truth was that he was drunk.  I kept my secret for a long time, but the truth was is that more people knew than I realized.  I was working hard at keeping a secret that most people who loved me and the alcoholic already knew.

Eventually, the alcoholic got sober through AA, which I am forever grateful for, but my behavior didn't change.  In fact it got worse.  He was "working his program" and getting all calm and meditative and it made me angry.  He did not deserve to have peace and serenity after all he had put me through.  He deserved to be full of the antithesis of calm and serene.  It wasn't until I found Al-Anon that I started to revert back to the person I was; but it has taken a long time and I'm still working on me.

Al-Anon has taught me that the alcoholic didn't do things to me because he hated or wanted to get back at me, he did those things because he was an alcoholic.  He did what alcoholics do, go through life like a tornado destroying everything in its path.  The good thing is that the destruction of a tornado can be rebuilt.  Al-Anon did that for me, it helped me rebuild me - not change the alcoholic.  I owe my sanity today to Al-Anon.

Maybe one day I'll tell you my Al-Anon story, but today I just wanted to admit that alcoholism played a major role in my life and I didn't even drink. 

I do want to say that I loved the alcoholic in my life.  He brought me a great joy both before and after he drank alcoholically.  If the truth be told and I looked real hard, even during the drinking years there was times he made me smile.

Post Hiatus

It's been eight years since I've written in this blog.  For awhile I changed over to Wordpress but now I'm going to attempt to write here and refresh this blog.

So a lot of things have happened in the eight years I've been gone but the two most notable things have been the death of my father in 2016 and my husband in 2018.  The death of these two men nearly destroyed me.

My father died suddenly in the hospital.  One minute he was up walking around and talking to us and the next minute he fell to the floor and had a cardiac arrest.  He was 84 years old but he was a "good" 84.  His mind was in tip-top shape and his body was better than most 84-year olds.  The week he died he was fixing my daughter's swimming pool.  The loss of. my father was so great that I had a "mini" break-down after all the arrangements were made, after the funeral was over, and after I took care of business.  I survived, but it was a rough couple of months.

The death of my husband so close to the death of my father was incredibly worse.  I can't explain how broken my heart was and still is.  I had never before felt such deep emotional pain.  I walked around for days not believing he was gone.  Like my father, my husband died suddenly in the hospital.  We were talking in the morning.  He was alert and happy.  He died suddenly that evening of a myocardial infarction.  On Friday he was working for his company and on Sunday he died.  I couldn't believe it.  My husband had lung cancer.  He was diagnosed in July and died in April.  Nine months from diagnosis to death.  I thought we'd have more time but the time we did have was priceless.  We were together for 44 years.  Some people don't get to live with their soul mate that long. I was still devastated when he died.  I'm still devastated now, after almost 2 years.

So now I live with my two Doberman Pinschers and memories.  Sometimes, for no apparent reason, I'll hear my husband's voice and I have to turn around to be sure he's not there.  There are rare times when I feel his lips on my forehead.  If I close my eyes and really concentrate, I can feel his breath on my skin.  When I close my eyes I can see his face before me....sometimes.

I think of my father every time I use a plastic glass that I bought for him so when the glass fell through his fingers it wouldn't shatter.  He always said that I was probably embarrassed when my friends came over and I served them in plastic glasses. I said no, of course I wasn't embarassed.   He'd smile but I'm not sure he believed me.  I'd have paper and plastic all over my house if it made him more comfortable about losing his grip; but losing his grip was something he really didn't like.

I am grateful for these and a multitude of other memories but they sadden me as well.  I miss both of them so deeply.  I miss both of them which leads me to miss my mother who died in 2000.  Death can be so consuming to those of us who are left behind.  Death reminds us that life is short and we are not invincible.

My husband lived life to the fullest, even after he was given a "death sentence" when he was diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer (SCLC).  I know he'd want me to live my life to the fullest too but I can't seem to attain that right now.  Even after 22 months, I have to take things one day at at time.  Maybe one day, I'll be able to live the life my husband always said I should live.  For me to do that, I think I'll need the help of my Higher Power to get me there.