Two Years Ago

What a difference two years can make.  Two years ago today, in the early morning I went to see my husband who was in the hospital.  He looked good when I saw him.  He was witty, like he always was, he was grateful that I brought him in some underwear and his toothbrush and he was happy to see me.  He reached up and gave me a big kiss from his hospital bed.  I ran my fingers through his hair trying to tame the back from sticking up. The truth is is that he had very little hair left after his chemotherapy.  We had a good conversation about us, about the kids, about our hopes and dreams and about his illness.  He had extensive Small Cell Lung Cancer (SCLC) and the prognosis wasn't good.

Over the past few months I watched as he became a little more tired each day.  His bright green eyes had grown dim and reflected a man who was ready to meet his Maker if the time would come.  During his illness, he made peace with his Creator.  He came to know him on a higher level than I had ever seen.  He trusted God in all things.  He trusted God with his life but he was still a little fearful to leave me.  He told me he prayed about that fear of leaving me daily.  I'd say something stupid like, "we might beat this and then you'll have to live with me forever," but we both knew that he wouldn't.  He had reconciled to meeting his Maker, I had not.  I still had fight in me.

During that day at the hospital, I'd nod off briefly and he kept telling me to go home.  I had been up all night with him and the "all nighter" had taken its toll on me. I didn't want to go home.  I wanted to stay there until that evening and then go home to my empty house.  I wanted to crawl in the bed with him and cuddle him like I used to do when he was sick.  I wanted to kiss his soft lips and tell him everything was going to be alright.  But I couldn't do that in the sterile hospital room.  What would everyone think?  I wish I had crawled up beside him, damn what everyone thought.  This was my husband of many years, I had the right to hold him; but I didn't.  I simply grabbed his arm and burrowed my head in his chest.  If I was quiet I could hear his heart beat and he would do what he always did when I cuddled him like that - he'd stroke my hair or play with my earlobes.

He finally told me it was time to go home and since I was nodding off most of the time, I agreed.  I went home, fed my dogs and let them out and started to get ready for bed.

It was 9:30pm when the phone rang and a fire sensation enveloped my entire body.  I knew what the phone call was, I knew it, yet how?  He was good when I left him and he was getting ready to be transferred from ICU to IMC the next day.  The call was what I expected and I told them I was on my way.  My brother took me to the hospital with my daughters meeting me there.  It was a site I did not want to see and he had not want to happen.  He arrested and was ventilated.  I knew he didn't want to be on a ventilator but I didn't know what to do.  I cried.  I looked up at my daughters and they were crying too.  I looked back to my husband and told him.....cried to him.....I don't know what to do!  His eyes were the brightest green than I had seen them in a long time.  I looked at him for what seemed a long time but was only moments.  I screamed out, "I don't know what to do Bill, please help me."  He did.  He helped me even in his dying moments.  His heart rate decreased and I told the nurses, "no more."  They stepped back and I moved forward.  I lifted him into my arms and told my sister-in-law I wanted the tube out.  She immediately extubated him for me.  I kissed his lips.  I kissed his check.  I rubbed my hand across his bald head and just cried.  The day had started so well and ended with Bill moving into glory.

I have never met a man more loving, more kind and more humble than my husband.  He had that quiet knowledge that whenever he opened his mouth, you listened.  I once teased him that he doesn't have a bad word for anyone.  All he said is that everybody has something that's good in them, you just got to find it.  I asked him what was good in me, he laughed and said he's going to stick around util he finds it.

I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life.  I can't describe the devastation that I experienced and at times, still do.  We had a dream.  Our dream was that we would grow old together.  That dream will never come to fruition.  Now all I have is memories and while I know memories are good, sometimes they are just not enough.  I still, after 2 years, long for his touch, his breath against my check, the odd way he held my hand and how he used to tug at my earlobes.  If I close my eyes tight, I can see what our future would have been, but that happens only in my dreams.

Just Like I Am

I woke up early this morning with an overwhelming attitude of gratitude.  I think that I woke up feeling renewed because God gave me a glorious day of sunshine and warmth yesterday so I could go outside and talk to my relatives at a socially acceptable distance.  I sat in the connecting back yard with my aunt, uncle, and cousins, each of us respectful of the distance we need to keep from each other.  The conversation was refreshingly "normal" in these abnormal times.  I couldn't help but think how lucky I am to have an extended family who loves me just like I am.

I am grateful for my daughters who love me enough to stay away from me since they are essential workers.  Each day, a couple of times a day, we face time to keep in touch.  It's not the same as hugging them but it's the best we have right now.  My youngest daughter and her wife buy me groceries every week so I don't have to go out to the grocery stores.  I stay 6 feet away while they bring my groceries into my house and put them away.  I am so grateful of the young women they have grown up to be and I'm so blessed that they love me just as I am.

I am grateful for my brother and his family.  They are always checking on me to see how I'm doing and if I need anything.  On Easter, my sister-in-law cooked dinner and we all ate outside keeping our distance.  I was more then grateful because it was a little cold outside and the weather threatened rain but they chose to eat in "uncomfortable" weather just so they could have the holiday with me.  The whole situation brought tears to my eyes when I got home because they didn't have to do that - they wanted to do that.  I am so grateful because they love me just as I am.  

I woke up grateful that I have two Doberman Pinschers who think I'm the best thing since sliced bread.  Each morning they greet me with tails wagging and precious kisses.  My male Dobie likes to press his head (which has some weight to it) against my leg letting me know he is there and happy to see me; my female nudges my hand with her head to make me pet her.  Maybe they like me so much in the morning because I feed them, but I like to think they love me just like I am.

I am grateful for friends who want to "Zoom" with me weekly just so we can stay in touch.  We live in different states and we were all suppose to meet up at the end of April to have some fun and fellowship in Colorado but the Covid-19 virus stopped that so we all talk on Zoom every week.  Each of us has our own cheese, crackers and wine and we share the moment with each other.  It still amazes me that I have people in my life who are not related yet still love me just like I am.

These are but a few things I am grateful for but mostly I am grateful for God who gives me life each day.  I am grateful that at this moment I am happy and healthy.  I am grateful that my children, my immediate family and my extended family are healthy and free from Covid-19 symptoms.  I am grateful for the air that I breathe and the yellow flowers that are growing in my yard.  I am grateful for the trees that are outside of my window and the birds that serenade me each morning.  All these things are given to me from God but no gift is more precious than the fact that He loves me just like I am.

Smash the Curve

I know first hand, as do most of Americans, what it's like to stay at home and not have contact with people for weeks on end.  The idea of opening up the country is enticing, but is it practical?  Is the cost of human lives equally important as increasing our economic stability?  In 1918, during the pandemic of the Spanish flu, the country opened up earlier than they should have and found it produced a 2nd wave of the flu which killed more people than the first wave.  The pandemic peaked in the US during the second wave, in the fall of 1918.  The highly fatal second wave was responsible for most of the US deaths attributed to the pandemic.  "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" (George Sandayana).   Have we forgotten, or have we chosen to forget, what happened 100 years ago?

I understand that this "close down" has been hard for the small businessman, and I feel bad about that, but if I had to choose to lose my business or to lose my child, the choice would be easy.  I watch the protestors on the news holding signs that say, "My body, my choice," but it's not only your body.  Your "choice" puts the rest of us at risk.  I watch the protestors standing shoulder to shoulder, without masks and realize that they are risking our lives just by protesting together.  I have not seen protestors using social distancing.

In my opinion, the protestors are giving the first line responders a slap in the face.  While first responder are on the front line helping the sick and dying,  protestors want to open the country to more illness and dying.  Currently we have flattened the curve showing that social distancing and staying at home has worked.  Before we open up our country we have to "smash the curve" (Stephen Bannon).  We have to see a decrease in the number of Covid-19 patients, not just a plateau.  We need to make sure that a second wave of this disease doesn't rear its ugly head.

FAT

What's it like to be fat in America?  Is there a difference in the way fat people are treated?  Are the obese treated like second class citizens?  I have personal experience in both realms.  I've been fat, and I've been skinny and I have to tell you that there is a difference in how you are treated by the public-at-large.  

If a person has bulimia or anorexia nervosa, they have an "illness," and public concern for them is great.  "We must help her or she will die," is the mantra of the public-at-large.  The same is not true for the person who is on the opposite end of the spectrum.  "I can't believe she let herself go like that," is the thinking of the same public. 

Fat people are often passed over for jobs because they are not aesthetically pleasing to the population.  Rarely do you see an overweight person in the front office where people can see her.  Her skills are hidden behind company walls.  "We can't lose you in the position you are in now, you are too valuable where you are," is a kind way of saying, "you don't look the part!" Fat people are often viewed as stupid and lazy; often times having to excel far above and beyond their counterparts for jobs.

Fat Americans, whether black or white, are the most discriminated group today.  I've sat and listened to the "gossip" around the work area to find that if there is a "fat person" in the area, they are being made fun of by somebody.  Even children chime in with "Fatty, fatty, two by four; can't get through the bathroom door," with little, if any, correction from their parents.

Like I said previously, I've been on both ends of the spectrum and know that "skinny" people are treated better than fat people.  When I was skinny, I got to hear all the negative things that were said about fat people.  I got to hear the "she's so fat...." jokes that everyone within earshot would smirk at.  They must not have remembered that I was once among the fat of America.  When I was fat, I didn't hear the "she's so skinny..." jokes because usually their weren't any.  Being thin in America is the desired outcome of life. 

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has determined that obesity is a disease just the same as bulimia or anorexia nervosa.  Each is the product of an abnormal relationship with food.  Each has their own set of problems.  While bulimics struggle with their abnormal relationship with food, so do obese people. 

The real objective isn't being fat or skinny, it's being healthy.  Eating fruits and vegetables over chips and dip is, of course, the healthier choice, but sometimes you just want the chips and dip.  It's when it become excessive that it's harmful.  Unfortunately, public opinion really doesn't care if you are healthy or not; they care whether or not you are thin.  When I think about how fat people are treated, it makes me sad.  Beneath all the fat, there is a person - a human - who longs to be treated with compassion. 

One of the things I find sad is that fat people make fun of themselves before anyone else in their presence has the chance too.  They are quick to point out their shortcomings before the public has a chance too.  The public has conditioned them to not like the way they are.    How often have we heard that fat people are "so jolly."  They're not jolly, they laugh just to keep from shedding tears. 

I've used the word "fat" in this post because it is offensive.  The truth is that it shouldn't be offensive, it is just a description.  Skinny is a description and so is fat.  Which one has the more offensive connotation?  Which one invokes the more visceral reaction?

America's Trump Card

Headlines stripped from pages tattered and torn,
Not a damn thing have we learned.
Echoing a time past that man swore would never come again has reared its ugly head taking a stronghold in a country on fragile ground.
His rancid words like golden bile fill my throat; burning the tender flesh from within. If my eyes are closed I might even feel that fine gray ash drift from the furnace and touch my eyelashes; sticking to my cheeks as I cry for what was and what I thought would never come again.

But some of America smiled and embraced all that this self-proclaimed wise man had to say. They breathed in every vile word spoken from his pursed lips. Did he not have wealth and splendor far greater than most of us could gain? Didn’t his silver pen give him the right to make all he spoke true? And some of America bowed to his wealth and his words while others dropped to their knees in honest prayer.

A country, born on the ideal that all men are created equal, is on the verge of making all that our forefathers paved, seem lame. Who would have ever thought that the poem of greater than 200 years inscribed on our icon of freedom “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me: I lift my lamp beside the golden door,” is slowly being morphed into “two legs good, four legs better”

But some of America smiled as those “yearning to breathe free” were suffocated by a man whose mantra belied his words, “Make America Great Again.” Once again, the white Anglo-Saxon people will rise as it is meant to be and those with alternate skin colors, religions, and beliefs are herded into encampments which we are told will make us feel safe but really is intended to keep their spirits from soaring. My soul screams out, “save from the native Americans, aren’t we all immigrants born to mothers and fathers who left a homeland to make our lives better?”

I am not looking for a revolution. I am seeking a resolution. My mind can only imagine a country moving towards an evolution of all that is diverse, living harmoniously in what used to be a great country. But a trump card has been played and many have laid down before it, eating all that has been spewed before them. Perhaps this belief that the King of Spades has laid at their feet is merely a reflection of what many people have held in their hearts. I shudder at the thought.

Growing Up

Music lost a great composer yesterday; but his songs and voice will live on forever.  I remember as a young girl hanging out at my boyfriend's house listening to John Prine on the stereo.  He had a raspy voice and spoke of social injustices and the injustices of war.  My friends would listen to him over and over in an attempt to memorize every thought he had.  Along with Prine, my friends and I listened to Dylan and the Beatles just to name a couple.  Most of our days were consumed with listening to music and it something we all enjoyed doing.  We'd discuss the various styles and influences almost as if we were being paid to do so; almost as if we had the inside edge on all the stories.  Now, John Prine is dead along with 50% of the Beatles and life has changed drastically.  We are no longer 18-year old children, we are adults struggling for the legal tender like the rest of America.  Some of us are married and some of us are divorced or widowed. Some of us have children and grandchildren. 

One of the things we are universally facing is Covid-19.  The virus has captured and quarantined all of us.  We are no longer the social creatures we are meant to be.  The Covid-19 virus has turned my general personality into an anxious, scared person.  I don't like the person I am becoming.  Last night increased my anxiety because I tried to buy groceries online and was unable to do so because they had no slots and none were available in the future.  I panicked.  I freaked because once again my independence had been taken away.  What was I to do?  For a moment I couldn't think and then I realized I had other resources that I just needed to utilize.  How long can I utilize other people before they get sick?  How will I feel then?  

I mentioned that I'm scared of this virus - and I am.  I know that there are those out there that will tell me I'm afraid because I don't have enough trust in God.  I have complete faith in God, I believe that this virus will do exactly as God will have it do; but in the meantime, I can do things to protect myself, I don't have to wait for God to put a shield around me, I can build one myself by staying at home, as hard as that is. 

Gone are the days that we just hung out and listened to music trying to figure life out; now we are the adults that are trying to figure out a national disaster.  God help us all.

A Day in the Life

I ventured out for a drive yesterday for the first time since March 22, 2020.  I thought I needed a change in scenery even if I would enjoy it alone.  I loaded up my arms with my Clorox wipes, my hand sanitizer and my camera and went to the Dog Park.  The picture above is of a man at the Dog Park.  He was dressed in his finest "hazmat" gear while taking his dog for a walk.  These are the times we are living in.  This is the fear that has become associated with Covid-19.

I got out of my car and kept far more than my 6 foot social distance from people.  I got to take pictures of people adhering to social distancing and some who had a complete lack of regard for the distancing order.  In fact, I saw a group of 6 teenagers at the park, shoulder to shoulder, eating McDonald's food.  It saddened me that they were blatantly disregarding the order.  Young people (teenagers) never think bad things will happen to them, but they do.

As I drove around Mosquito Park I couldn't help but notice that the place was virtually empty.  There were no boats docked at the marina and the Concessions were closed.  Everything was closed.  The park looked desolate except for the few fisherman who were enjoying their social distancing order.

We live in a different time right now and I'm not sure it will ever be the "way it was" again.  I think that we may be forever changed.  We are living a dreadful part of history that is bound to change the way we view things in the future; it's bound to change us.

Being at the park was wonderful.  It got me out to enjoy the fresh air and watch people interact under this Social Distancing order; but I had to get home after spending an hour and a half at the park.  I had a very important meeting at 5:00PM.  It was a date I couldn't miss; a date that I had been anticipating for 2 days.  I was meeting up with 3 friends for wine (lots of wine), cheese, crackers and grapes.  It would be a virtual meeting via Zoom, but a meeting where all four of us would be together.

The Zoom meeting was awesome!  We spend 4 1/2 hours together and it seemed like minutes.  We talked about good times and not so good times.  We talked about memories that this Covid-19 will never be able to rattle.  For a few hours, the novel Coronavirus was in the background and our friendship was in the forefront.  You see, we were all suppose to meet up in Colorado at the end of April because we all live in different states.  The plans were made and the itinerary was set, but those plans were thwarted by the evil enemy we now face.  It was a sad realization that we wouldn't be seeing each other as planned.

We did not grow up with computers and Face Time or Skype, we grew up with telephones and they weren't mobile either.  We stayed in touch by seeing each other face to face on almost a daily basis.  We kept in touch and knew almost everything about each other.  We shared good times and bad times.  We shared hopes and dreams and our future plans.  Never, did we think that we would be separated by circumstance but we were.  The Zoom meeting was just what all of us needed.

Yes, we may have drank a little too much wine, and we may have whined a little too much but for a brief period of time it felt like we were together in the same room enjoying the same food.  The only thing lacking was that human contact that I think we have all come to realize that we need so much.   

Does Social Isolation Lead to Social Distortion?

I can't remember the last day I was out of my house. I have my groceries delivered and my children go out and get the medication I need (or the dogs need).  I know for certain I have been home since the STAY AT HOME order delivered by Governor DeWine and Dr. Amy Acton.  That is my contribution to saving lives.  I do what I am told in this uncertain time of this pandemic.  I do get to watch out my window though and wonder where the lines of cars are going.  I imagine they are going to an essential job or to the grocery story to get needed items.  I can't imagine that these people are going out shopping for enjoyment's sake, are they?  I do wonder why these cars have two adults with multiple children in the cars.  Can't one parent stay at home while the other does the essential running?  I'm not in their particular circumstances so I don't really know what they are thinking so I'll just judge my own behavior and not other's behaviors. 

I have to admit, there has been more than one time I have thought that we may be facing a Microbe Armageddon.  This enemy has got us fighting a foe that can't be blasted with guns or weapons of mass destruction; it has to be fight with time and intelligence.  It has to be treated aggressively while not splattering it all over the universe.  Slowly but surely we must encapsulate this aggressor and get rid of the potential things that make it flourish.  Suffocating its lifeline can be accomplished by social distancing. The problem is that social distancing sounds too easy, until you actually try to do it.  Social distancing is not to be confused with social isolation.  Social distancing is keeping a safe, physical distance between people; social isolation is keeping an unhealthy distance mentally between you and those you interact with on a semi-regular basis.  Facetime, Skype, Zoom are just a few ways to stay in contact the best you can with those you care about.  Doing those types of social media helps break the solitude one feels when having to stay at home alone. The worst isolation is if you live alone and don't get to see ANY human contact because of social distancing.  This type of distancing without a virtual face can lead to extreme lonliness; maybe even social distortion.

In all of my 63 years, I have never seen our future so bleak in many ways but still with the hope that we will not succumb to this pandemic completely.  We have to be smart.  We have to do things we don't want to do.  We have to stay away from people we love and care about in an effort to keep them healthy and alive.  Currently there are over 2500 cases of Covid-19 in the state of Ohio with 18% not in the ICU and 8% in the ICU with 65 deaths in Ohio.  The CDC describes our co-morbidities as greater than 65, those that reside in nursing homes, lung and heart disease, diabetes, immunocompromised (including smokers), just to name a few.  Even if these things are controlled, you are at risk but if you don't care about yourself, you still are risking other lives even if you feel "great." 

I want to come on top of this a victor.  I will do my best to STAY AT HOME and do my life saving activities there.  I can do something to stop this pandemic.  We can flatten the curve like Dr. Amy Acton says we need to do.  We can make this pandemic less toxic than it is right now by STAYING AT HOME and keeping your social distance.  

Front Liners

I want to take this opportunity to give a shout out to all the healthcare men and women who are on the front line of this Covid-19 pandemic.  These men and women are fighting for OUR lives while they risk their own.  I am humbled before them.