I have a screen saver on my computer monitor. I've had it there for a little over 3 years. I can't take it down or replace it with another picture just yet. It's a picture of just me and Bill. Bill had already received the devastating diagnosis of Small Cell Lung Cancer (SCLC). He had been through radiation and chemotherapy and had lost all his hair. I liked his bald head. I could rub it and wish for things that I would never receive and I liked to kiss it. Just rub the top of his head and kiss it. The action almost made me one with him.
So this picture, screen saver on my computer, is of Bill and I simply looking into the camera. It''s a great picture of he and I looking into the camera. His chin is pressing lightly against my forehead to the side and we are both smiling as if nothing were wrong; but we both know that time is not on our side.
On April 29, 2021, my dear sweet husband will be gone from his early home for 3 years. It's sad of me to want him with me when I know he is in perfect health with his Maker. Is it normal that I still feel the pain I felt when he first died. It was then I knew that hearts can break and once they break they are never the same again.
It's almost 3 years and I can't break this pain that surrounds me. It's almost as if I can't breathe the pain is so great. I have to be thankful for the pain I feel today because there are those who are alive today who have never felt the love that Bill gave to me so easily. I had a friend tell me that she has "never experienced that kind of love in her life." So, in a way, I need to feel grateful for my tears. My tears are a sign that this mere mortal man transformed my life into something beautiful and wonderful. This man gave me two beautiful children who are a constant reminder that Bill was here and he did exist and he existed to love his wife and children; but mostly he loved and trusted in his Maker.
