Memorial Day

Good morning.  Today is Memorial Day and my thoughts early this morning are of those brave, scared, young men who lost their life defending my freedom.  I can’t imagine being 18 years old and being in a full scale war or conflict.  I think my initial reaction to being dropped by aircraft into a militarized zone would be panic.  I can only imagine being shell shocked, whatever that is, and being in the mist of bombs, mortars and shells; let alone the bullets flying by.  I’d hope I’d regain my thoughts long enough to jump into a fox hole or be pulled into a fox hole by a fellow soldier.

I’m lucky.  I don’t have to jump down a fox hole.  I’m here “safe” in the continental United States.  My thoughts are not about war, or bullets, or shrapnel.  My thoughts are about what to fix for breakfast and then what I will share at the family picnic.  My thoughts are mundane, they don’t impact any global good or strategic plans; they are just of me and how to get my baked beans and cookies over to my daughter’s house for a picnic.

This Memorial Day I am thinking way beyond the picnic and the pandemic to young boys who have quickly become men by the mere fact that they have to learn to stay safe in a zone that is not safe to be in.  Some of these men are teenagers; some of them are young men; but I bet all of them have families who are without a member of their family today.  Families who pray for the safe return of their soldier.

Some of them will not return.  Some of them will be lost, some of them will escape being captured, some of them will fall by the bullet and be left in the fields, some just will never be found.  Some will be captured by the enemy.  These are the men that Memorial Day is all about. 

Memorial Day is a day when everyone should come together and  thank the men and women who have fallen in the line of duty.  It should be a day when we pause from our busy schedules and think about those brave young boys and girls who become men and women in a war they did not create.

We lost a magnitude of men and women over the decades.  Today, as we pray over our food, let us pray for the families who have one less at their picnic; one less at their dining room table; one less son or daughter to hug.  At our festivities, let's remember the they have fallen so that our celebrations can be complete.

Today I thank everyone who has lost a loved one in the armed services.  May you know that your soldier went on to greatness.

Prayer and Meditation

 Prayer and meditation are two things that I can't do without.  Prayer and meditation are what keep me sane, calm, and collected.  I can always tell when my life gets out of wack it's because I haven't spent enough time with my Creator.  For me, prayer and meditation are ritualistic.  That's what works for me.  I get up in the morning and roll from my bed to my knees and start with praises to God and then my private prayers.  Yes, I ask God for things and He gives them to me if I can handle them or need them.  Sometimes God says no, but I don't know that or his reasoning why until I spend some time in mediation.  

When we initially start praying and meditation; we get stuck on the praying part.  We talk about things we need, we want, what we want for others, etc. and that's where it stands.  Meditation - listening to God is much harder because we have to quit talking and open our ears to God's voice.  Sometimes we don't really like what God has to say but one thing I know for sure, he won't take you places just to drop you in the middle of chaos.

Taking the Steeple off the Church

I've grown weary of people calling themselves Christians when the truth be told they are not Christ-like at all.  By definition, Christians are followers of Christ.  Jesus's time on earth was spent with sinners not the Pharisees and the Sadducees who said they knew what God was about.  How many of us are the Pharisees and the Sadducees of today?  How many of us think we have the answer to this "god thing" when we really are no different than those who thought they were on the short list to get into heaven.  

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day.  A day we take for granted until the one day that we no longer have a Mother to celebrate.  I have been without my mother for about 21 Mother's Days now and it really doesn't get easier, I've just learned to adjust things to make it less painful.  I think of my Mother almost daily and the thought of her brings me comfort; except today.  Today is the day when the impact of not having a mother hits me the hardest; so I try to remember the things about her that brought her joy and in doing so, it brings me that much closer to my own children.

My mother enjoyed family most of all.  If you asked her what she wanted for Mother's Day she would always say, "I want all of my kids around me."  Now, after having 2 adult children of my own, I know what she meant by that.  The hustle and bustle of life gets in the way and before you know it you haven't visited your mother in a week.  That is a week you will never get back.  It really doesn't take much time to touch bases with your mother and tell her how your life is going and finding out how her life is going.

Mom always had Sunday dinner at her home complete with spaghetti, sauce, meatballs and salad.  Sometimes, not always, we'd have dessert.  We all ate, hung out at mom's house for a while and then went home, leaving her and my father alone.  I didn't realize how much that "aloneness" can infiltrate the house.

What I'm learning now is that is isn't always about who is around, it's about who doesn't come around.  Each child is missed.  Each child brings to the table his/her uniqueness that makes a family a family.  It's not in the food, or the gifts, it's about your presence at an event designed to honor our mothers.

I'm lucky.  I talk to my children everyday on the phone, I see them at least one to two times per week.  They are always present on holidays (like Mother's Day).  They each bring a special uniqueness to my day.  They always bring me a smile inside that travels from my heart to my lips, to my eyes.  They are my gift on Mother's Day

Now I know that I was my mother's gift on Mother's Day.  It wasn't what I bought her, it was me all along.  

The Gift

Bill has been gone a little over 3 years but his heart beats in me everyday.   I can't smile without feeling a little guilty that he is gone and I am alive.  Yes, I have survivors guilt.  He and I assumed I would be the first to die because of the medical problems I have.  He didn't have any medical problem until Small Cell Lung Cancer (SCLC) took over his life.  He was diagnosed and 9 months later the angels came to carry him to heaven.  The one thing that is comforting to me is that I KNOW Bill is in heaven.  He was simply the kindest, most non-judgemental  person I have ever met.  He had a good word to say to the worst people.  Even if verbally attached, he kept his cool.  He was a natural arbitrator.

Mostly, Bill loved his Maker, me and his daughters, probably in that order.  God came first in his life and God was displayed in all of Bill's transactions with people.  In our 44 years of being together, I don't recall him ever saying a bad word about anyone.  He found the good in everything.

Bill, its been three years since your spirit had been alive with God.  I hope you don't miss me like I miss you.  I'd hate for you to feel this pain up in heaven.  I don't think you'd want me to feel this much grief even after three years but I just can't help it.  Even the memory of fun things we did together can bring tears to my eyes.  I can't help it.  I miss you more than I can say; more than most people understand.  

It's been three years and if I close my eyes I can see your face, your bright green eyes, your lips, your cheeks, but when I reach out to touch you it is only an illusion.  I am so grateful to God for giving me 44 years with you.  Some people don't have that much time.  I am blessed and more than grateful to God for sending you to me.  You were God's gift to me but he needed you back.  Like I said, I had 44 years with you before God needed you back.  I bet your wings are huge because I know they have surrounded me.

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

 I have a screen saver on my computer monitor.  I've had it there for a little over 3 years.  I can't take it down or replace it with another picture just yet.  It's a picture of just me and Bill.  Bill had already received the devastating diagnosis of Small Cell Lung Cancer (SCLC).  He had been through radiation and chemotherapy and had lost all his hair.  I liked his bald head.  I could rub it and wish for things that I would never receive and I liked to kiss it.  Just rub the top of his head and kiss it.  The action almost made me one with him.  

So this picture, screen saver on my computer, is of Bill and I simply looking into the camera.  It''s a great picture of he and I looking into the camera.  His chin is pressing lightly against my forehead to the side and we are both smiling as if nothing were wrong; but we both know that time is not on our side. 

On April 29, 2021, my dear sweet husband will be gone from his early home for 3 years.  It's sad of me to want him with me when I know he is in perfect health with his Maker.  Is it normal that I still feel the pain I felt when he first died.  It was then I knew that hearts can break and once they break they are never the same again.  

It's almost 3 years and I can't break this pain that surrounds me.  It's almost as if I can't breathe the pain is so great.  I have to be thankful for the pain I feel today because there are those who are alive today who have never felt the love that Bill gave to me so easily.  I had a friend tell me that she has "never experienced that kind of love in her life."  So, in a way, I need to feel grateful for my tears.  My tears are a sign that this mere mortal man transformed my life into something beautiful and wonderful.  This man gave me two beautiful children who are a constant reminder that Bill was here and he did exist and he existed to love his wife and children; but mostly he loved and trusted in his Maker.

Flashbulb

 This is a picture of me and my dog Roscoe.  I posted that picture to get  you to look my way.  Most people don't read posts that don't have a picture so that is my token picture.   This post is not about me really; it's about life and my view of it.  

In my life there has been three political "flashbulb" moments.  The first was the assassination of President Kennedy and the second was the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers.  I can remember exactly what I was doing when I heard the news of each event.  It's not either of those events that I want to talk about.  What I want to talk about is the storming of the Capitol; my third "flashbulb" moment.  

I couldn't believe my eyes as I watched protestors turn into an angry mob of rioters spurred on by President Trump words.  Trump offered to march down to the Capitol with them but he didn't, he was safe within the walls of the Oval Office watching the action on TV like the rest of Americans.  He watched as the rioters stormed through the doors of the Capitol building and chanted that it was Pence's hanging that they wanted.  He could have stopped things from progressing.  These rioters were his supporters out for a good day of lynching and pilfering information and he could have [probably] stopped them with his words.  All he needed to do was tell them to "stand down" like he has said before.  He needed to speak as the President of the United States that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.  Instead, We The People created a monster who can't be controlled.  This coup attempt of his was defeated, thank goodness, but I fear his reign is not over.  Power spurs him on; power, like lightening courses through his veins.  He does not resign well; he does not take defeat well.  Unfortunately, he is a "movement" that may be overtaking half our population.