I have always believed in God but I kept Him in a box. I had a narrow view and understanding of God but thought I knew Him intimately. Until the effects alcoholism brought me to my knees, I only had a slight understanding of the Him and His abilities. I believed the miracles that God performed, but I worshiped the miracles and not the Deity who enabled them to be performed. I began searching for the miracles and not the relationship with a Higher Power who cared for me. I stopped to worship the "sign" but never attempted to continue on the journey.
In times of trouble, I never rested in the arms of my Higher Power, I always helped Him do for me what He could not quite accomplish on His own. After all, "God helps those who helps themselves." When I could no longer help myself, when all of my strength in conquering a problem was exhausted, it was then that I "allowed" my Higher Power to take over without my interference. It was only in utter defeat that I let go of my problem and "allowed" a Power greater than me to take over. Did I do it because it was the right thing to do? No. I did it because it was the only avenue left for me to take. Now I am more apt to believe that "God helps those who can't help themselves."
Today, I woke up very humbled. I am once again unsure of my relationship with my Higher Power. Please don't get me wrong. I am sure of the relationship my Higher Power has with me, I am unsure of mine with Him. I do not want to be the person who goes to prayer and meditation because I want "things." I want to go to prayer and meditation to have a greater and more intimate relationship with a Power greater than myself. I want to be able to say from deep within me, "Thy will be done."