Attitude of Gratitude

This morning I woke up rather blah feeling.  I brushed my teeth, ran a brush through my hair and looked at myself in the mirror.  (Insert silent scream here).  I shuffled into the kitchen to make myself my morning tea.  I sighed heavily as my thoughts drifted to my youngest daughter and the pain and hurt she is feeling right now.  "Why?  What did I do that was so terrible?  Why do I feel so unimportant?"  My daughter's words echoed in my mind over and over.  I wanted to scream out, "You didn't do anything wrong" but I remained silent in my opinions and just held her and told her I loved her and I thought she was very special.  I closed my eyes and asked my Higher Power to place his loving arms around her.    The microwave beeped informing me my tea was complete.  My fingers encircled the steaming hot cup warming my hands; the steam from the tea drifting up to warm my face.  My heart remained heavy.

I sat down on the couch in my living room.  My Dobie, sensing that I was feeling low, came over and placed his head in my lap.  I smiled down at him and patted the top of his head; tears welling up in my eyes.  I took a deep breath and started to pray and meditate.  Fifteen minutes later I stopped,  thinking, "this is futile."  I picked up my Al-Anon books and read the pages for today.  One of the pages was on gratitude.  Really?  Gratitude?  I began meditating on gratitude unknowingly; begrudgingly even.  "What do I have to be grateful for this morning?"  Nothing!  I have a daughter whose heart is breaking...... and then I stopped feeling sorry for myself.  The things I had to be grateful for came slowly at first and then they rushed in.  I looked down at my Dobie knowing he was one of the things I can be grateful for.  This morning, I offer you my alphabetical list of gratitude.

A is for Amy, B is for Bill, C is for Caring friends, D is for Dad, E is for Evening when I can rest my weary mind, F is for Felicia, G is Gratitude (that my Higher Power gave me this morning), H is for Helen, I is for Icing, J is for July (the month of my birth), K is for Kisses, L is for Laughter, M is for Mom, N is for good Neighbors, O is for Open Minds, P is for Prayer, Q is for Quiet time, R is for Rory, S is for Sara, T is for Troubled times that I can grow through, U is for Undying love that my Higher Power has for me, V is for Victory (knowing I don't have to fight the fight), W is for Wealth (and not the monetary kind), X is for Xander, and  Z is for a Zest for life that hasn't been in my all my life.

Growing through Pain

My youngest daughter's relationship with her significant other is on the rocks.  While I have my opinions on why this is happening and what she should do; I can not express them.  My motives in expressing my opinions would be strictly selfish.  If she did what "I" wanted her to do; it would serve only to ease my discomfort and not hers.   One of the many things I have learned in Al-Anon is that no matter what we think may or may not be right in any situation; it is the person directly involved that has to be the one to do what is right for them.  It is them that has to live with the consequences of their actions.

Not to long ago, I would have taken over the situation in my attempt to fix things and make everyone feel all right.  I would have been specific in my recommendations and when things did not go as I planned I would have had to take responsibility for the mess that I created.  Such a heavy burden to carry; not only for the person I encouraged to do things my way but for me as well.  When I arranged everybody's life, I stripped them of their dignity to handle things in their way.  I prolonged the inevitable pain that everyone must go through to grow into the productive, compassionate people that our Higher Power wants us to be.

My daughter's heart is breaking and so is mine.  I wish I could take all the pain and discomfort away from her that she is feeling right now but I know that I can not.  Even if I could take away the pain, should I?  Would that strip her from growing into the person she will be by going through this tough time in her life?  For me, this is another situation where I am truly powerless.  Yes, it still hurts that I can't fix things but I never could and today I realize that stark cold fact.

A Child's Laughter

Years ago, I remember "everyone" saying there isn't anything better than a child's laughter.  While agreeing that they were probably right, I thought that people must have meant that the best laughter was from a child under the age of adulthood.  Last night I opened my eyes and ears and knew I had been wrong for so many years.  My daughter is a 32 year old professional woman with a life of her own.  I have always thought that she got a little too excited over "childish" things and just accepted it as being "her."  I learned a very valuable lesson from her excitement last night; one I should have learned years ago.

Last evening, my husband and I went out to dinner with our two daughters.  Dinner took a little more time than anticipated so I made arrangements to ride home with my two daughters and my husband would pick me up after the meeting he had been planning to attend.  The three of us had a pleasant evening.  The two of them made jokes about me not being able to adequately use my smart phone and I told them that they probably wouldn't know how to interact with the human race if their smart phones didn't have a google app telling them how to do it.

While discussing what can and can not be done with a smart phone, the two dogs, one being a very active 10 week old puppy, began feeling neglected and demanded attention.  All three of us turned our attention immediately to the neglected canines.  Her ferocious canines playfully mauled us and each other as they fought for our attention.  The dogs determined that 20 minutes was enough time to exercise their humans, so after the allotted time, each retired to the side of their owner and all was quiet except for the pleasant sounds of human conversation.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and both of the dogs raised their head and looked up to their owner as if to say, "how dare someone disturb our quiet family."  Knowing that it was my husband at the door, my eldest daughter jumped up from the couch like a toddler excited about a present being given to her.

"Oh my God!  Oh my God!  It's your grandpa pups, it's your grandpa!"  She started to do the Snoopy happy dance and incited the dogs to a near ecstatic frenzy.  Her dance continued as she opened the door and her affectionate dogs greeted my husband.  The dogs tails were wagging excitedly and if my daughter had a tail hers would be the one that was wagging the most.  She laughed and laughed, her entire face engulfed by her laugh.  I sat with amazement as I watched her face and actions being engulfed by her laugh.  Yes, this was a childish act....an act that I will treasure forever.