Can You Hear Me Now?

About a week ago my two daughters wanted my opinion on whether or not they should allow a friend of my youngest daughter to move in to their home.  In the past, I would have jumped at giving my opinion; after all I thought I was the only one with the right answers and if everyone would do as I say every body's life would be perfect.  I hesitated in giving my opinion because I am working very hard at allowing my grown daughters to make their own decisions whether they be right or wrong.  I told them both that they are grown women and certainly capable of making their own decisions but they insisted they only wanted my opinion.

This young man in question is an ex-drug user or maybe I should say an on and off drug user.  My youngest daughter has known him quite a long time.  They are good friends when he is clean, and not so good friends when he is using.  Right now, he is not using.  For the most part, I like him.  He is respectful, friendly and has a good heart - when he is not using.  I don't know exactly what he is like when he is using because he doesn't come around to let me see that side of him.  I only know what most people are like when they are actively using - they are less than trustworthy.

So, my daughters asked for my opinion.  Hesitantly I gave them my opinion prefacing it by saying, "This is only my opinion, you both are old enough to do what you think is best."  I listed all the reasons why I thought that him sharing their home would be a bad idea.  I told them that he is not working a program of recovery and the chances that he will use again may be great.  I told them that if they gave him a key to their house and he did start to use again all the locks in the house would have to be changed because, for the most part, drug addicts can not be trusted when they are using.  I asked them how they would handle him bringing women they do not know into their house because he wants to have sex with them?  I asked them if they realized that if he lived there the freedom they have in the evening and morning wearing just their "nighties" would be over.  I even mentioned that when people who are friends move in together oftentimes that is the end of a friendship forever.  Ultimately I think they understood clearly that I thought the idea was not a very good one.

They told him he could move in.

They told me their decision today at dinner.  I nodded affirmatively.  My throat tightened as I choked down my meal; my scream stuck in my throat.  My heart felt so heavy in my chest.  I'm ashamed to say I couldn't wait until dinner was over and then I couldn't wait for them to leave.

As I watched them pull out of the driveway my tears welled up in my eyes and then rolled down my cheeks.  I couldn't stop them.  My throat hurt from suppressing the screams I wanted so badly to shout out.  I wanted to call them and say, "Please, don't do this.  Please, you are making a big mistake."  I had to do it.  I couldn't stop myself.  I picked up the phone and called...my sponsor.

An immediate relief rushed over my body as I heard my sponsor say hello at the other end of the line.  I didn't waste any time.  The tears were flowing as I relayed what had just happened.  I told her I was scared.  I told her I wanted to tell them not to let him move in.  I told her that they asked for my opinion, I gave it and they didn't take it.  I told her I had to do something but I didn't know what to do.

When I finally shut up the phone was silent.  I waited for a couple of seconds.  My sponsor always pauses before she speaks to me when I'm upset.  I waited a couple of more seconds before I said, "Are you there?"  I could almost feel her warm smile as she responded, "Yes, I'm here."

What words of wisdom did she give to me?  She told me, "it sucks but we are powerless over other people's actions".  She said, "we want to get in there and run other people's lives because we think we know better than our Higher Power. It's easy to revert back to things that are "comfortable" but that doesn't mean those things are right.  Now that we know better we can do better".  She said that "it's not always easy to do the right thing".

I started to laugh.  Those thoughts were the exact thoughts I had expressed to my sponseee earlier today.  I said them to my sponsee but I obviously didn't hear them for myself.  I was so overcome by fear that I couldn't hear the words I spoke to my sponsee until my sponsor said them to me.

I'm feeling better now.  I've once again allowed my Higher Power to be in control of my life and the lives of my daughters.  I thought for a minute there He might have needed my help but I think He can handle it all on His own.  I'm sure there is a lesson in all of this; I just pray it's not too painful.

As always, let me mean it when I say, "Thy will, not mine, be done."

The Blessing of Despair

A new mother sat looking down adoringly at her 5 month old baby girl.  The child squealed delightfully on her mother's lap and the mother met her squeals with smiles.  It was when the mother looked up from her innocent child that her eyes and face told the story of the pain and anguish she was enduring.  She was angry and hiding it relatively well.  I could feel the turmoil radiate from her.  I wanted to jump out of my chair and hold her until all her pain fled; but once again the realization that I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism rushed over me.  I sat in my chair, trying desperately not to stare.  

The members of the Al-Anon group shared their experience, strength and hope and the mother remained silent.  She didn't shed a tear.  She desperately clung to the illusion that she was "fine."  We let her cling.  

I listened as the group shared.  Their stories were different but the same.  The stories were painful but these members, through the miracle of Al-Anon, could relate their experiences with laughter and hope.  I remember how terribly resentful I was at my first Al-Anon meeting because of the laughter.  I didn't understand that people could laugh while living through the disease and consequences of alcoholism.  In my mind, "those Al-Anon lunatics" couldn't possibly know or have been through what I had been through or they certainly would not be laughing.  All of us "lunatic Al-Anons" probably felt that way in the beginning.  How else could we feel?  We had lost our laughter; we felt that our joy had been stolen from us as sure as any thief takes something valuable.  Alcoholism has robbed us of our serenity and joy and had left in it's place nothing but despair.  

There it was.  The blessing of despair.  The one thing that gets many of us insanely obsessed loved-ones of alcoholics into our first Al-Anon meeting.  The new mother had that blessing written all over her face, she just didn't know it was a blessing....yet.

As the meeting ended I made a quick plea to my Higher Power that he would give someone an intuitive thought for this new mother.  As the beautiful young woman wrapped her bundle of joy up to warm her against the temperature outside I touched her arm and said, "I remember my first Al-Anon meeting when I thought that all the people there were crazy because they could laugh about what I thought was a hopeless situation.  I remember thinking that they could not possibly know what I am going through or they would not be laughing.  I remember being angry because those "lunatics" were laughing at a serious situation that I could find no laughter in at all."  She looked at me as I spoke, I thought I saw her let her guard down for just one second as she seemed to relate to exactly what I was saying but her guard went back up quickly.  I smiled and asked her to please come back.  She nodded.

Growing through Pain

My youngest daughter's relationship with her significant other is on the rocks.  While I have my opinions on why this is happening and what she should do; I can not express them.  My motives in expressing my opinions would be strictly selfish.  If she did what "I" wanted her to do; it would serve only to ease my discomfort and not hers.   One of the many things I have learned in Al-Anon is that no matter what we think may or may not be right in any situation; it is the person directly involved that has to be the one to do what is right for them.  It is them that has to live with the consequences of their actions.

Not to long ago, I would have taken over the situation in my attempt to fix things and make everyone feel all right.  I would have been specific in my recommendations and when things did not go as I planned I would have had to take responsibility for the mess that I created.  Such a heavy burden to carry; not only for the person I encouraged to do things my way but for me as well.  When I arranged everybody's life, I stripped them of their dignity to handle things in their way.  I prolonged the inevitable pain that everyone must go through to grow into the productive, compassionate people that our Higher Power wants us to be.

My daughter's heart is breaking and so is mine.  I wish I could take all the pain and discomfort away from her that she is feeling right now but I know that I can not.  Even if I could take away the pain, should I?  Would that strip her from growing into the person she will be by going through this tough time in her life?  For me, this is another situation where I am truly powerless.  Yes, it still hurts that I can't fix things but I never could and today I realize that stark cold fact.