Alcoholism and Beyond

So, I was affected by someone else's drinking.  I'm not sure, but I think that's the first time I've come out and said it like that.  My husband drank alcoholically for 12 years of our 44 years together; and the drinking came 24 years after we began our relationship together.  His drinking blind sighted me.  It creeped up on me.  At first, all I could tell is that I didn't like the way he behaved when he drank, then I didn't like the way I behaved when he drank.  Then, I didn't like the way I behaved whether he was drinking or not.  At the end of his drinking and at the beginning of his sobriety, I'd criticize my husband at the drop of a hat; almost like it was my job to do so.  I began to hate the person I was and I blamed it all on alcohol, except I didn't drink.

I believe that alcoholism is a disease.  If you were to research, you'd find out that many public health organizations and experts believe that alcoholism is a disease.  That's not why I believe it's a disease.  I believe it's a disease because I've seen the devastation alcoholism can bring all the while the alcoholic can seem to do nothing to stop the destruction of his own life.  Alcoholism also has a familiar pattern to it as well.  Why is it that you see, so often, whole families consumed by alcoholism?  I think it is because it's a disease.  I think that some have the genetics to become a potential alcoholic while others will never become an alcoholic.  I am one that will never be an alcoholic, although I have tried.  I tried drinking myself into oblivion but was never able to reach that point in my drinking that I blacked out or altered my personality.  My obsession wasn't the alcohol it was the alcoholic.

I've given you a rough outline of the alcoholic but I'm really here to talk about me.  When the alcoholic in my life drank (or didn't drink), my personality slowly began to change.  I stopped being the fun-loving, impulsive person I was to a person who constantly was on guard "in case" the alcoholic drank.  I'd badger him about the amount he drank, what he drank, what he said, and how he behaved.  I'd badger him about the way he looked, the way he combed his hair, and what he wore.  The alcoholic in my life couldn't wake up in the morning without me badgering him about something.  I was always "on alert" so I could hide our family disease of alcohol.  I made excuses for him when he couldn't attend an event.  "He's not feeling well tonight and he couldn't come," when the truth was that he was drunk.  I kept my secret for a long time, but the truth was is that more people knew than I realized.  I was working hard at keeping a secret that most people who loved me and the alcoholic already knew.

Eventually, the alcoholic got sober through AA, which I am forever grateful for, but my behavior didn't change.  In fact it got worse.  He was "working his program" and getting all calm and meditative and it made me angry.  He did not deserve to have peace and serenity after all he had put me through.  He deserved to be full of the antithesis of calm and serene.  It wasn't until I found Al-Anon that I started to revert back to the person I was; but it has taken a long time and I'm still working on me.

Al-Anon has taught me that the alcoholic didn't do things to me because he hated or wanted to get back at me, he did those things because he was an alcoholic.  He did what alcoholics do, go through life like a tornado destroying everything in its path.  The good thing is that the destruction of a tornado can be rebuilt.  Al-Anon did that for me, it helped me rebuild me - not change the alcoholic.  I owe my sanity today to Al-Anon.

Maybe one day I'll tell you my Al-Anon story, but today I just wanted to admit that alcoholism played a major role in my life and I didn't even drink. 

I do want to say that I loved the alcoholic in my life.  He brought me a great joy both before and after he drank alcoholically.  If the truth be told and I looked real hard, even during the drinking years there was times he made me smile.

"God helps those....."

Do I believe in a Higher Power because I think he can make my life easier?  Do I pray and mediate only on the material things I want Him to provide for me?  When I go to my Higher Power in prayer, do I even ask for others?

I have always believed in God but I kept Him in a box.  I had a narrow view and understanding of God but thought I knew Him intimately.  Until the effects alcoholism brought me to my knees, I only had a slight understanding of the Him and His abilities.  I believed the miracles that God performed, but I worshiped the miracles and not the Deity who enabled them to be performed.  I began searching for the miracles and not the relationship with a Higher Power who cared for me.  I stopped to worship the "sign" but never attempted to continue on the journey. 

In times of trouble, I never rested in the arms of my Higher Power, I always helped Him do for me what He could not quite accomplish on His own.  After all, "God helps those who helps themselves."  When I could no longer help myself, when all of my strength in conquering a problem was exhausted, it was then that I "allowed" my Higher Power to take over without my interference.  It was only in utter defeat that I let go of my problem and "allowed" a Power greater than me to take over.  Did I do it because it was the right thing to do?  No.  I did it because it was the only avenue left for me to take.  Now I am more apt to believe that "God helps those who can't help themselves."

Today, I woke up very humbled.  I am once again unsure of my relationship with my Higher Power. Please don't get me wrong.  I am sure of the relationship my Higher Power has with me, I am unsure of mine with Him. I do not want to be the person who goes to prayer and meditation because I want "things."  I want to go to prayer and meditation to have a greater and more intimate relationship with a Power greater than myself.  I want to be able to say from deep within me, "Thy will be done."

The Blessing of Despair

A new mother sat looking down adoringly at her 5 month old baby girl.  The child squealed delightfully on her mother's lap and the mother met her squeals with smiles.  It was when the mother looked up from her innocent child that her eyes and face told the story of the pain and anguish she was enduring.  She was angry and hiding it relatively well.  I could feel the turmoil radiate from her.  I wanted to jump out of my chair and hold her until all her pain fled; but once again the realization that I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism rushed over me.  I sat in my chair, trying desperately not to stare.  

The members of the Al-Anon group shared their experience, strength and hope and the mother remained silent.  She didn't shed a tear.  She desperately clung to the illusion that she was "fine."  We let her cling.  

I listened as the group shared.  Their stories were different but the same.  The stories were painful but these members, through the miracle of Al-Anon, could relate their experiences with laughter and hope.  I remember how terribly resentful I was at my first Al-Anon meeting because of the laughter.  I didn't understand that people could laugh while living through the disease and consequences of alcoholism.  In my mind, "those Al-Anon lunatics" couldn't possibly know or have been through what I had been through or they certainly would not be laughing.  All of us "lunatic Al-Anons" probably felt that way in the beginning.  How else could we feel?  We had lost our laughter; we felt that our joy had been stolen from us as sure as any thief takes something valuable.  Alcoholism has robbed us of our serenity and joy and had left in it's place nothing but despair.  

There it was.  The blessing of despair.  The one thing that gets many of us insanely obsessed loved-ones of alcoholics into our first Al-Anon meeting.  The new mother had that blessing written all over her face, she just didn't know it was a blessing....yet.

As the meeting ended I made a quick plea to my Higher Power that he would give someone an intuitive thought for this new mother.  As the beautiful young woman wrapped her bundle of joy up to warm her against the temperature outside I touched her arm and said, "I remember my first Al-Anon meeting when I thought that all the people there were crazy because they could laugh about what I thought was a hopeless situation.  I remember thinking that they could not possibly know what I am going through or they would not be laughing.  I remember being angry because those "lunatics" were laughing at a serious situation that I could find no laughter in at all."  She looked at me as I spoke, I thought I saw her let her guard down for just one second as she seemed to relate to exactly what I was saying but her guard went back up quickly.  I smiled and asked her to please come back.  She nodded.