Alcoholism and Beyond

So, I was affected by someone else's drinking.  I'm not sure, but I think that's the first time I've come out and said it like that.  My husband drank alcoholically for 12 years of our 44 years together; and the drinking came 24 years after we began our relationship together.  His drinking blind sighted me.  It creeped up on me.  At first, all I could tell is that I didn't like the way he behaved when he drank, then I didn't like the way I behaved when he drank.  Then, I didn't like the way I behaved whether he was drinking or not.  At the end of his drinking and at the beginning of his sobriety, I'd criticize my husband at the drop of a hat; almost like it was my job to do so.  I began to hate the person I was and I blamed it all on alcohol, except I didn't drink.

I believe that alcoholism is a disease.  If you were to research, you'd find out that many public health organizations and experts believe that alcoholism is a disease.  That's not why I believe it's a disease.  I believe it's a disease because I've seen the devastation alcoholism can bring all the while the alcoholic can seem to do nothing to stop the destruction of his own life.  Alcoholism also has a familiar pattern to it as well.  Why is it that you see, so often, whole families consumed by alcoholism?  I think it is because it's a disease.  I think that some have the genetics to become a potential alcoholic while others will never become an alcoholic.  I am one that will never be an alcoholic, although I have tried.  I tried drinking myself into oblivion but was never able to reach that point in my drinking that I blacked out or altered my personality.  My obsession wasn't the alcohol it was the alcoholic.

I've given you a rough outline of the alcoholic but I'm really here to talk about me.  When the alcoholic in my life drank (or didn't drink), my personality slowly began to change.  I stopped being the fun-loving, impulsive person I was to a person who constantly was on guard "in case" the alcoholic drank.  I'd badger him about the amount he drank, what he drank, what he said, and how he behaved.  I'd badger him about the way he looked, the way he combed his hair, and what he wore.  The alcoholic in my life couldn't wake up in the morning without me badgering him about something.  I was always "on alert" so I could hide our family disease of alcohol.  I made excuses for him when he couldn't attend an event.  "He's not feeling well tonight and he couldn't come," when the truth was that he was drunk.  I kept my secret for a long time, but the truth was is that more people knew than I realized.  I was working hard at keeping a secret that most people who loved me and the alcoholic already knew.

Eventually, the alcoholic got sober through AA, which I am forever grateful for, but my behavior didn't change.  In fact it got worse.  He was "working his program" and getting all calm and meditative and it made me angry.  He did not deserve to have peace and serenity after all he had put me through.  He deserved to be full of the antithesis of calm and serene.  It wasn't until I found Al-Anon that I started to revert back to the person I was; but it has taken a long time and I'm still working on me.

Al-Anon has taught me that the alcoholic didn't do things to me because he hated or wanted to get back at me, he did those things because he was an alcoholic.  He did what alcoholics do, go through life like a tornado destroying everything in its path.  The good thing is that the destruction of a tornado can be rebuilt.  Al-Anon did that for me, it helped me rebuild me - not change the alcoholic.  I owe my sanity today to Al-Anon.

Maybe one day I'll tell you my Al-Anon story, but today I just wanted to admit that alcoholism played a major role in my life and I didn't even drink. 

I do want to say that I loved the alcoholic in my life.  He brought me a great joy both before and after he drank alcoholically.  If the truth be told and I looked real hard, even during the drinking years there was times he made me smile.

The Blessing of Despair

A new mother sat looking down adoringly at her 5 month old baby girl.  The child squealed delightfully on her mother's lap and the mother met her squeals with smiles.  It was when the mother looked up from her innocent child that her eyes and face told the story of the pain and anguish she was enduring.  She was angry and hiding it relatively well.  I could feel the turmoil radiate from her.  I wanted to jump out of my chair and hold her until all her pain fled; but once again the realization that I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism rushed over me.  I sat in my chair, trying desperately not to stare.  

The members of the Al-Anon group shared their experience, strength and hope and the mother remained silent.  She didn't shed a tear.  She desperately clung to the illusion that she was "fine."  We let her cling.  

I listened as the group shared.  Their stories were different but the same.  The stories were painful but these members, through the miracle of Al-Anon, could relate their experiences with laughter and hope.  I remember how terribly resentful I was at my first Al-Anon meeting because of the laughter.  I didn't understand that people could laugh while living through the disease and consequences of alcoholism.  In my mind, "those Al-Anon lunatics" couldn't possibly know or have been through what I had been through or they certainly would not be laughing.  All of us "lunatic Al-Anons" probably felt that way in the beginning.  How else could we feel?  We had lost our laughter; we felt that our joy had been stolen from us as sure as any thief takes something valuable.  Alcoholism has robbed us of our serenity and joy and had left in it's place nothing but despair.  

There it was.  The blessing of despair.  The one thing that gets many of us insanely obsessed loved-ones of alcoholics into our first Al-Anon meeting.  The new mother had that blessing written all over her face, she just didn't know it was a blessing....yet.

As the meeting ended I made a quick plea to my Higher Power that he would give someone an intuitive thought for this new mother.  As the beautiful young woman wrapped her bundle of joy up to warm her against the temperature outside I touched her arm and said, "I remember my first Al-Anon meeting when I thought that all the people there were crazy because they could laugh about what I thought was a hopeless situation.  I remember thinking that they could not possibly know what I am going through or they would not be laughing.  I remember being angry because those "lunatics" were laughing at a serious situation that I could find no laughter in at all."  She looked at me as I spoke, I thought I saw her let her guard down for just one second as she seemed to relate to exactly what I was saying but her guard went back up quickly.  I smiled and asked her to please come back.  She nodded.

Dirty Dishes

Yesterday in the Al-Anon book Courage to Change, I read a story about dirty dishes.  I'm sure I've read that story more than once but yesterday it was as if I was reading it for the first time.  The story was about a woman who was ready to throw out someone she loved over some dirty dishes.

Sounds crazy right?

Well guess what?  I can so relate.

I can't tell you the multitude of times when I have come home after being away for a few hours to find my house in total disarray.  I have come home to find piles of dishes in the sink and on the counter when only a few hours earlier the sink and counter were empty.  I have come home to find not one single horizontal area free of clutter.  When I come home and find my house in such a state I can almost hear my deceased mother saying, "A dirty house is a disgrace to the woman of the house."  The thoughts that race through my mind will inevitably set the stage for disaster.  My serenity is lost and the monsters of self-pity and martyrdom take control.

In days of old, I would have spent several hours stomping about trying to clean up the mess that the people who professed they loved me had made.  I would, of course, make sure that my huffing and puffing could be heard for miles, especially by those who live in the same house.  My day would be ruined and I would try to make the rest of the day equally as miserable for those I professed to love.  "I'll fix them, they will never do this to me again.  I'll show them exactly how they make me feel."  Yeah, that didn't work.

Through the gift of Al-Anon, I don't perform as I did in days of old quite as often.  I have come to understand that I don't have to be everything to everybody and I don't have to be any body's live-in maid if I don't want to be.  When I stomped about cleaning everything up I didn't give the people who made the mess the ability to rectify what they had done.  Why would they if I was going to do it anyway?   A change had to be made and it had to begin with me because lord knows my loved ones weren't taking the great hints I was beating them over the head with.

Today, when I walk into my home and see the mess created by the ones I love, I can take a deep breath, close my eyes and say the Serenity Prayer to help ease my discomfort.  I can go to a quiet place and take a few minutes to pray and meditate so I don't give my peace of mind away.  I can even sit on the couch and play with my dogs and leave the dishes and clutter out of my mind.  Can I do this all the time?  No.  What I can say is that when I do "go there" I don't "stay there" for as long as I used to which in my mind is progress.

So, you might be thinking to yourself that I can now sit in a house filled with clutter and dirty dishes.  On some days I can and I live through it.  The more important blessing is that my husband has found an activity that he enjoys doing.  He tells me that when he does dishes he can totally remove himself from all outside interference and stay in the present moment . . . .  washing each dish at a time. . . . drying each dish at a time....living each minute at a time.

Maybe someday I will learn that trying to do everything robs others of finding what they need.

Attitude of Gratitude

This morning I woke up rather blah feeling.  I brushed my teeth, ran a brush through my hair and looked at myself in the mirror.  (Insert silent scream here).  I shuffled into the kitchen to make myself my morning tea.  I sighed heavily as my thoughts drifted to my youngest daughter and the pain and hurt she is feeling right now.  "Why?  What did I do that was so terrible?  Why do I feel so unimportant?"  My daughter's words echoed in my mind over and over.  I wanted to scream out, "You didn't do anything wrong" but I remained silent in my opinions and just held her and told her I loved her and I thought she was very special.  I closed my eyes and asked my Higher Power to place his loving arms around her.    The microwave beeped informing me my tea was complete.  My fingers encircled the steaming hot cup warming my hands; the steam from the tea drifting up to warm my face.  My heart remained heavy.

I sat down on the couch in my living room.  My Dobie, sensing that I was feeling low, came over and placed his head in my lap.  I smiled down at him and patted the top of his head; tears welling up in my eyes.  I took a deep breath and started to pray and meditate.  Fifteen minutes later I stopped,  thinking, "this is futile."  I picked up my Al-Anon books and read the pages for today.  One of the pages was on gratitude.  Really?  Gratitude?  I began meditating on gratitude unknowingly; begrudgingly even.  "What do I have to be grateful for this morning?"  Nothing!  I have a daughter whose heart is breaking...... and then I stopped feeling sorry for myself.  The things I had to be grateful for came slowly at first and then they rushed in.  I looked down at my Dobie knowing he was one of the things I can be grateful for.  This morning, I offer you my alphabetical list of gratitude.

A is for Amy, B is for Bill, C is for Caring friends, D is for Dad, E is for Evening when I can rest my weary mind, F is for Felicia, G is Gratitude (that my Higher Power gave me this morning), H is for Helen, I is for Icing, J is for July (the month of my birth), K is for Kisses, L is for Laughter, M is for Mom, N is for good Neighbors, O is for Open Minds, P is for Prayer, Q is for Quiet time, R is for Rory, S is for Sara, T is for Troubled times that I can grow through, U is for Undying love that my Higher Power has for me, V is for Victory (knowing I don't have to fight the fight), W is for Wealth (and not the monetary kind), X is for Xander, and  Z is for a Zest for life that hasn't been in my all my life.

Growing through Pain

My youngest daughter's relationship with her significant other is on the rocks.  While I have my opinions on why this is happening and what she should do; I can not express them.  My motives in expressing my opinions would be strictly selfish.  If she did what "I" wanted her to do; it would serve only to ease my discomfort and not hers.   One of the many things I have learned in Al-Anon is that no matter what we think may or may not be right in any situation; it is the person directly involved that has to be the one to do what is right for them.  It is them that has to live with the consequences of their actions.

Not to long ago, I would have taken over the situation in my attempt to fix things and make everyone feel all right.  I would have been specific in my recommendations and when things did not go as I planned I would have had to take responsibility for the mess that I created.  Such a heavy burden to carry; not only for the person I encouraged to do things my way but for me as well.  When I arranged everybody's life, I stripped them of their dignity to handle things in their way.  I prolonged the inevitable pain that everyone must go through to grow into the productive, compassionate people that our Higher Power wants us to be.

My daughter's heart is breaking and so is mine.  I wish I could take all the pain and discomfort away from her that she is feeling right now but I know that I can not.  Even if I could take away the pain, should I?  Would that strip her from growing into the person she will be by going through this tough time in her life?  For me, this is another situation where I am truly powerless.  Yes, it still hurts that I can't fix things but I never could and today I realize that stark cold fact.

Tuning in the Channel

 Right after I brush my teeth, wash my face and make myself a cup of steaming tea, I begin my ritual of prayer and  meditation.  Before I begin my morning of prayer and meditation I have to fine tune the channel.  Tuning my prayer channel reminds me of years ago when I had a radio with a dial on it and I had to play with the dial to make sure the radio station was at it's best so I could listen to my favorite tunes clearly.  I would work the channel so precisely because listening to a crystal clear channel was important to me.  Now, listening to my Higher Power as clearly as I can is important to me so I have to fine tune the channel of my mind.  When I first start praying and meditating in the morning my mind may wonder to what I  have to do that day or what happened yesterday or what may happen tomorrow and I have to tune those bits of static out and fine tune my thinking back to the present and my prayer.  Some days tuning my channel may take more time than other days but it is always worth the little extra time spent to be able to hear a crystal clear Power.

Prayer and meditation was not an easy thing for me to grow accustom to.  I learned their valuable worth through Al-Anon.  In the past, my thoughts on meditation had a very strong visual attached.  I believed you could not meditate unless there was some very strong incense burning, you sat on the floor with your legs contorted into an impossible position, your arms were outstretched, you made a low humming sound and your eyes were closed.  Prayer was always something I knew about.  Prayer was me begging God to do what I wanted Him to do and Him saying "No, you've been way to bad for me to do that for you."  Having those ideas in my mind gave me permission not to pray or meditate...EVER.

Today, I know that prayer and meditation is just a sweet conversation between me and my Higher Power.  The prayer part is me asking to have my Higher Power's will done in my life and the meditation part is me learning to listen.