The Gift

Bill has been gone a little over 3 years but his heart beats in me everyday.   I can't smile without feeling a little guilty that he is gone and I am alive.  Yes, I have survivors guilt.  He and I assumed I would be the first to die because of the medical problems I have.  He didn't have any medical problem until Small Cell Lung Cancer (SCLC) took over his life.  He was diagnosed and 9 months later the angels came to carry him to heaven.  The one thing that is comforting to me is that I KNOW Bill is in heaven.  He was simply the kindest, most non-judgemental  person I have ever met.  He had a good word to say to the worst people.  Even if verbally attached, he kept his cool.  He was a natural arbitrator.

Mostly, Bill loved his Maker, me and his daughters, probably in that order.  God came first in his life and God was displayed in all of Bill's transactions with people.  In our 44 years of being together, I don't recall him ever saying a bad word about anyone.  He found the good in everything.

Bill, its been three years since your spirit had been alive with God.  I hope you don't miss me like I miss you.  I'd hate for you to feel this pain up in heaven.  I don't think you'd want me to feel this much grief even after three years but I just can't help it.  Even the memory of fun things we did together can bring tears to my eyes.  I can't help it.  I miss you more than I can say; more than most people understand.  

It's been three years and if I close my eyes I can see your face, your bright green eyes, your lips, your cheeks, but when I reach out to touch you it is only an illusion.  I am so grateful to God for giving me 44 years with you.  Some people don't have that much time.  I am blessed and more than grateful to God for sending you to me.  You were God's gift to me but he needed you back.  Like I said, I had 44 years with you before God needed you back.  I bet your wings are huge because I know they have surrounded me.

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

 I have a screen saver on my computer monitor.  I've had it there for a little over 3 years.  I can't take it down or replace it with another picture just yet.  It's a picture of just me and Bill.  Bill had already received the devastating diagnosis of Small Cell Lung Cancer (SCLC).  He had been through radiation and chemotherapy and had lost all his hair.  I liked his bald head.  I could rub it and wish for things that I would never receive and I liked to kiss it.  Just rub the top of his head and kiss it.  The action almost made me one with him.  

So this picture, screen saver on my computer, is of Bill and I simply looking into the camera.  It''s a great picture of he and I looking into the camera.  His chin is pressing lightly against my forehead to the side and we are both smiling as if nothing were wrong; but we both know that time is not on our side. 

On April 29, 2021, my dear sweet husband will be gone from his early home for 3 years.  It's sad of me to want him with me when I know he is in perfect health with his Maker.  Is it normal that I still feel the pain I felt when he first died.  It was then I knew that hearts can break and once they break they are never the same again.  

It's almost 3 years and I can't break this pain that surrounds me.  It's almost as if I can't breathe the pain is so great.  I have to be thankful for the pain I feel today because there are those who are alive today who have never felt the love that Bill gave to me so easily.  I had a friend tell me that she has "never experienced that kind of love in her life."  So, in a way, I need to feel grateful for my tears.  My tears are a sign that this mere mortal man transformed my life into something beautiful and wonderful.  This man gave me two beautiful children who are a constant reminder that Bill was here and he did exist and he existed to love his wife and children; but mostly he loved and trusted in his Maker.