So, I was affected by someone else's drinking. I'm not sure, but I think that's the first time I've come out and said it like that. My husband drank alcoholically for 12 years of our 44 years together; and the drinking came 24 years after we began our relationship together. His drinking blind sighted me. It creeped up on me. At first, all I could tell is that I didn't like the way he behaved when he drank, then I didn't like the way I behaved when he drank. Then, I didn't like the way I behaved whether he was drinking or not. At the end of his drinking and at the beginning of his sobriety, I'd criticize my husband at the drop of a hat; almost like it was my job to do so. I began to hate the person I was and I blamed it all on alcohol, except I didn't drink.
I believe that alcoholism is a disease. If you were to research, you'd find out that many public health organizations and experts believe that alcoholism is a disease. That's not why I believe it's a disease. I believe it's a disease because I've seen the devastation alcoholism can bring all the while the alcoholic can seem to do nothing to stop the destruction of his own life. Alcoholism also has a familiar pattern to it as well. Why is it that you see, so often, whole families consumed by alcoholism? I think it is because it's a disease. I think that some have the genetics to become a potential alcoholic while others will never become an alcoholic. I am one that will never be an alcoholic, although I have tried. I tried drinking myself into oblivion but was never able to reach that point in my drinking that I blacked out or altered my personality. My obsession wasn't the alcohol it was the alcoholic.
I've given you a rough outline of the alcoholic but I'm really here to talk about me. When the alcoholic in my life drank (or didn't drink), my personality slowly began to change. I stopped being the fun-loving, impulsive person I was to a person who constantly was on guard "in case" the alcoholic drank. I'd badger him about the amount he drank, what he drank, what he said, and how he behaved. I'd badger him about the way he looked, the way he combed his hair, and what he wore. The alcoholic in my life couldn't wake up in the morning without me badgering him about something. I was always "on alert" so I could hide our family disease of alcohol. I made excuses for him when he couldn't attend an event. "He's not feeling well tonight and he couldn't come," when the truth was that he was drunk. I kept my secret for a long time, but the truth was is that more people knew than I realized. I was working hard at keeping a secret that most people who loved me and the alcoholic already knew.
Eventually, the alcoholic got sober through AA, which I am forever grateful for, but my behavior didn't change. In fact it got worse. He was "working his program" and getting all calm and meditative and it made me angry. He did not deserve to have peace and serenity after all he had put me through. He deserved to be full of the antithesis of calm and serene. It wasn't until I found Al-Anon that I started to revert back to the person I was; but it has taken a long time and I'm still working on me.
Al-Anon has taught me that the alcoholic didn't do things to me because he hated or wanted to get back at me, he did those things because he was an alcoholic. He did what alcoholics do, go through life like a tornado destroying everything in its path. The good thing is that the destruction of a tornado can be rebuilt. Al-Anon did that for me, it helped me rebuild me - not change the alcoholic. I owe my sanity today to Al-Anon.
Maybe one day I'll tell you my Al-Anon story, but today I just wanted to admit that alcoholism played a major role in my life and I didn't even drink.
I do want to say that I loved the alcoholic in my life. He brought me a great joy both before and after he drank alcoholically. If the truth be told and I looked real hard, even during the drinking years there was times he made me smile.
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