It's been eight years since I've written in this blog. For awhile I changed over to Wordpress but now I'm going to attempt to write here and refresh this blog.
So a lot of things have happened in the eight years I've been gone but the two most notable things have been the death of my father in 2016 and my husband in 2018. The death of these two men nearly destroyed me.
My father died suddenly in the hospital. One minute he was up walking around and talking to us and the next minute he fell to the floor and had a cardiac arrest. He was 84 years old but he was a "good" 84. His mind was in tip-top shape and his body was better than most 84-year olds. The week he died he was fixing my daughter's swimming pool. The loss of. my father was so great that I had a "mini" break-down after all the arrangements were made, after the funeral was over, and after I took care of business. I survived, but it was a rough couple of months.
The death of my husband so close to the death of my father was incredibly worse. I can't explain how broken my heart was and still is. I had never before felt such deep emotional pain. I walked around for days not believing he was gone. Like my father, my husband died suddenly in the hospital. We were talking in the morning. He was alert and happy. He died suddenly that evening of a myocardial infarction. On Friday he was working for his company and on Sunday he died. I couldn't believe it. My husband had lung cancer. He was diagnosed in July and died in April. Nine months from diagnosis to death. I thought we'd have more time but the time we did have was priceless. We were together for 44 years. Some people don't get to live with their soul mate that long. I was still devastated when he died. I'm still devastated now, after almost 2 years.
So now I live with my two Doberman Pinschers and memories. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, I'll hear my husband's voice and I have to turn around to be sure he's not there. There are rare times when I feel his lips on my forehead. If I close my eyes and really concentrate, I can feel his breath on my skin. When I close my eyes I can see his face before me....sometimes.
I think of my father every time I use a plastic glass that I bought for him so when the glass fell through his fingers it wouldn't shatter. He always said that I was probably embarrassed when my friends came over and I served them in plastic glasses. I said no, of course I wasn't embarassed. He'd smile but I'm not sure he believed me. I'd have paper and plastic all over my house if it made him more comfortable about losing his grip; but losing his grip was something he really didn't like.
I am grateful for these and a multitude of other memories but they sadden me as well. I miss both of them so deeply. I miss both of them which leads me to miss my mother who died in 2000. Death can be so consuming to those of us who are left behind. Death reminds us that life is short and we are not invincible.
My husband lived life to the fullest, even after he was given a "death sentence" when he was diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer (SCLC). I know he'd want me to live my life to the fullest too but I can't seem to attain that right now. Even after 22 months, I have to take things one day at at time. Maybe one day, I'll be able to live the life my husband always said I should live. For me to do that, I think I'll need the help of my Higher Power to get me there.
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